(no subject)

[radlilim]

Even after how well Christmas went, my Dad dose not want me to bring Paul home for his birthday party next weekend. I even offered to stay at a hotel so as not to keep reminding them of us. I really don't want to go anymore and it was really, really hard to buy Dad a birthday present last night after talking to mom. If my sister didn't need my help with the party I might not go at all. Though I do want to see Laura. The support from her and my brother-in-law has been awesome, and focusing on that and my great friends is helping me not get upset/depressed about Dad's decision.

The more Mom and Dad keep this up, the less they will be seeing of me, I think. I don't want to go there, I like my parents and had hoped that they were bigger people than this. They really disappointed me this time. But maybe they need a break from me. That way they can decide what is more important to them, having me a part of their lives or prejudice.

Comments

[spamcola.livejournal.com]

That is disappointing, especially since they seem to be regressing rather than progressing with their acceptance. I'm sorry you're having to go through that J. I know what your parents mean to you, but perhaps you're right in giving some time and space between you and them. Hopefully some day they'll come around.

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

I think the I surprised them with bring Bob home and they suddenly realized that this "gay" thing was real and that it would affect them. So now they are just picking their stance on it. I guess it's just time to move on and not expect that my parents will always support me in everything I do. I have other people now who will do that for me.

[spamcola.livejournal.com]

That is one hell of a pill to swallow. I hope the rest of us can help fill enough of the void for you, even though it's always going to be tough to accept fully.

This won't come out sounding right but here goes...

[exairian.livejournal.com]

The thing you have to remember is that you are working against, literally, generations of ... well I don' really want to say prejudice, that's a much stronger word than what it is. ... But, to them, to every thing they where brought up to believe, this type of relationship is wrong. And since the only time they are exposed to it is through you, it's that much more difficult to help them get past. If they where in a larger, more populated area where gay relationships where more regular, it would be an easier transition for them. I'm not asking you to accept their beliefs and how it effects you, but that it's just going to take more time. Meeting your boyfriend for the first time is not going to change their mind. Meeting him for the second, third and fourth time won't either. In fact, it will, most likely, take years for them to adjust. This is not an over night thing.

My suggestion to you is this. Do not push this on them. Start pulling away a little bit, so that they begin to realize just how important Paul is to you. Do not ask, every time, if he can come with, maybe every other time. If it's not a major holiday or event (such as a birthday) then decline the invitation to come up. They will start to get it. It will hurt, and it will take a long time, but eventually they will come around. We want to believe ourselves more enlightened because we do see your relationship as okay, but really, put yourself in their situation, you're 50+ years old, up in the north woods where no one is gay, or black, or hispanic, the closest house is a quarter of a mile away and you have to drive 2 hours to see "culture" I can guarantee that having a homosexual child can be a shock to the system and will take some time to move past.

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm not making excuses for them, they're disregard for your happiness is not okay, it'll just take some time for them to adjust.

Re: This won't come out sounding right but here goes...

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

All of which I understand. But my grandma, who is like 80 is accepting Paul, got him a Christmas gift and all. And she isn't forgetfull or not all there. She's a smart woman and knows whats going on. If she can accept it, and she lives like 10 miles from mom and dad, they can make allowances.

I don't expect them to embrace Paul in open arms, but if they don't ever let me bring him home, they never will accept it. It's OK, as I said, I have other people now who will accept me if they won't. And I'm trying very, very hard to focus on that and not get depressed.

While I know it's hard on them, its just as hard, if not harder on me. I'm kinda tired of being the strong one here. Cause if Paul isn't there, I will think about it all weekend. But they can just ignore it. I will just go home a lot less often. Which means like twice a year now. I can go and visit my sister instead.

Re: This won't come out sounding right but here goes...

[diamond-dust06.livejournal.com]

I think Jason's parents' prejudice (and that's exactly what it is) is totally irrelevant. These kinds of feelings are unacceptable. If he were straight and had a black girlfriend, should he not bring her home?

Jason, I think that you should either push hard, or completely pull away. You've been out for how long now and they still can't take steps forward? Either insist that you be allowed to bring Paul to family events (especially if siblings can bring their significant others), or close away and don't go to anything. It's hard and it'll hurt, but it will get the point across to them sooner. "Eventually" simply isn't good enough. If your sister and your grandmother don't have any issues, then there's no reason your parents should.

Re: This won't come out sounding right but here goes...

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

I'm really not that confrontational. I hate conflict, even if I'm not involved and its happening near me. So while that might be the way to get the fastest result, I'll be much more diplomatic. The stress (and the fact it'll make the ulcer act up) is not worth it to me. I will just stop doing things with Mom and Dad. We can see each other at family events, and I will see my sister, but I'm not going out of my way to see them. At least that is the plan, we'll see if I can hold to that much conflict.

But thanks for your advice, it's appreciated.

Re: This won't come out sounding right but here goes...

[exairian.livejournal.com]

Having met your parents, I have no doubts that they want to accept this. It just takes time. Some people think it's as simple as switch to flip, but nothing, aside from turning lights on and off, is so simple. Pull away, not completely, but make it known that Paul is important to you, and they need to adjust. They will. If your grandmother can, so can your parents.

Re: This won't come out sounding right but here goes...

[fadethecat.livejournal.com]

I can entirely understand not wanting to be confrontational. It can be frustrating enough even with strangers, and with family, it hurts.

When my sister came out, my parents were pretty upset. It took them years to be able to deal with the matter politely. But a few years ago, my sister and her girlfriend came to visit, stayed at my parents' house for a few weeks, and they all got along pretty well. I know it's not the same for everyone, but sometimes, time and distance may be what it takes. I wish you all the best luck in the unpleasantness of waiting while your parents learn to grow up a little more.

Re: This won't come out sounding right but here goes...

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the wishes, I'm trying to hope for the best and meanwhile focus on good things (sister, friends, volleyball, etc.)

[liz-bet.livejournal.com]

wow.. that has to be really hard. :( It's always disappointing to realize that your parents aren't as open minded or wonderful as you want them to be, or as you thought they might be. However, its especially disappointing when it is something very important to you and a major part of who you are.

The idea of taking a step back physically is a good one, but don't stop communicating with them. It's important that they realize that while they don't have to always agree with you, that doesn't give them the right to treat you poorly or with disrespect. Perhaps by some parental instinct they feel that they can change your behavior by guilt and disapproval. They need to see you as an adult and treat you like one. It doesn't sound like you are trying to shove this in their face as I would not qualify bringing a significant other to functions that general society deems standard, as shoving. You're not asking to stay in their house or go to your wedding.. you're asking them to just hang out for a few hours. This is who you are, and even if they don't like it, they can play nice occasionally for a few hours out of respect for you.

Some people might say.. well it's his birthday.. he should get what he wants.. That would be fine... if he was five or ninety-five and not all with it. It sounds like you really respect your parents for being intelligent beings. And I'd say it's perfectly acceptable to help them realize when they're not being so intelligent through calm discussions explaining (and re-explaining) that when they say X (don't bring Paul), it makes you feel Y (they don't accept you/respect you for who you are and you're really disappointed in them). Respectively asking is still a good plan, but if they keep saying no, respectively explain to them why they won't be seeing so much of you anymore.

You've got awesome friends and awesome family that do support you. And while they're not the same as your parents, they care a lot and they're good at helping support you while your parents hopefully try to dig their heads out of the deep sand they seem to be stuck in. ;) Maybe over the b-day visit you can really talk this over with your sister, and see what would be the best approach to let your parents know how important this really is to you.

I'm sure you've thought of all of this already, but it's friday and I'm rambling ;) Hugs!! and good luck!

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

Thanks. LJ comments have been really helping today. Your well wishes are very helpful.

[madidude04.livejournal.com]

Whatever you decide to do, I will be by your side to support you sweetie. Just remember, while my parents seemed awesome and accepting at Christmas, it took 5 years of no communication between us to get there. 5 years of literally not knowing if anyone in my family had died, and them not knowing where or what I was up to.

Ir does take time... and I hate it just as much as you do. I'm just stubborn and pretty much told my mom to deal with it, and they did. It doesn't always work out that way.

I love you sweetie. *kiss*

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

I know you will be there, thanks. Love you too.

I will deal with it, mostly by following your advice from last night. Just not thinking about it.

[(Anonymous)]

Sounds like your dad wants you to stay in the closet like his brother Dan...